After awhile, you learn what people do and don’t want to hear. You learn that most people don’t really feel comfortable hearing the truth of your feelings. So you start changing, without even meaning to. You hide your feelings…stuff them down so deep you don’t even realize you’re stuffing them. Because where else do we put them? Right?
Girls cry, we get labeled drama queens, over-dramatic, over sensitive.
Boys cry, they’re not tough enough. They’re weak. They’re “pussies.”
I’ve gotten to be pretty good at hiding my true feelings. I’ve learned the world usually just wants a triumph story with a happy ending. That if you’re grieving or suffering, depressed or just simply FEELING the whole gamut of life…many people will make you feel like a “downer.”
I almost always feel the need to put a positive spin on my posts…because I’m afraid of scaring everyone away by saying some days it just really sucks or it’s just damn hard.
I’m afraid of being labeled.
I’m afraid of being ignored.
I’m afraid that somehow I’ve met an invisible quota on how much FEELING I’m allowed to express or have. Of how long I’m allowed to take to grieve 21 deaths. To recover from being married to an addict for 10 years. To learn how to live and parent 4 kids in a world where I’ve already buried three.
I’m tired of living by the old rules. News flash! They’re not working! Suicide rates, depression rates, mental health statistics, overdoses and rehab centers will tell you: WHAT WE’RE DOING IS NOT WORKING. This whole NOT showing our true feelings thing? It’s KILLING US. Those feelings don’t just disappear. They turn into toxic poison that kills us from within. That we have to drown and soak and stuff and eat and numb our way away from.
I want to stand on the edge of a new era. The era of BEING ALLOWED TO BE OURSELVES and not play by anyone else’s rules on how much we’re allowed to feel, grieve, hurt, sorrow, celebrate or express our anger openly. An era where we all get together and say HEY, THIS BEING HUMAN THING IS HARD SOMETIMES…HOW ABOUT WE ALL AGREE NOT TO PRETEND ANY DIFFERENT?!
An era where a man can grieve his child with tears at his graveside 14 years after he died.
An era where GoFundMe campaigns are set up not just for funeral expenses for the one who died but for support of those who are left behind.
An era where people who are dealing with blow after blow after blow in life can say it STILL sucks and not be called a downer.
An era where we don’t always get the happy endings but we support each other in the FOREVER MIDDLES.
An era where a girl who has been open about her grief and struggles, and her commitment to finding light in landmines can come on Facebook late at night after a good HARD cry and say…
In 2 weeks it will be THE day…THE day…March 14th…the day my nephew died…when he was almost 3…
And today it killed me inside a little…to see my sweet little baby boy who is also 3 so sick his fever was 106. He is exactly the same age. He has the same hair, the same exuberance for life. And I hate not knowing how long he’ll be mine to borrow. I hate knowing that children DO die and for the most inexplicable inconceivable reasons. And I am still grieving the little boy we lost too soon…and I ALWAYS will be…because I will never stop loving him…and it will never stop being the hardest thing on Earth to be reminded of the last time I held him…as I parent my own four kids. Tonight, I’m hurting. Tomorrow, I’ll get back up and live out loud like I always do…and I’ll feel something different or maybe the same…but tonight I wanted to tell you the truth of me because I know one thing for certain…the truth will always set you free.
What era do you want to live in? How much we allow others to be real is how much we allow ourselves.
The next part is up to you. ♡
*Are you following me on Facebook? This was also posted over there. Click like on that box on the right side of your screen if you want to see all my posts.